Parenting: the loneliness paradox

There is one thing that becoming a parent guarantees - you will never again be alone. Not really. Even if you manage to sneak a blissful solo trip to the loo, you're always hyper-aware that there's someone just a few metres away that needs you. Constantly. And usually right in the middle of whatever you're doing.

And yet there are many times since becoming a mum that I've felt the loneliest I've ever been in my entire life.

I'm a pretty independent person, I've always liked and been very happy in my own company. My favourite things outside of my job (which I also enjoyed) are largely solitary too - reading, writing, listening to music and staying fit. So when contemplating motherhood I figured maternity leave would be a dream scenario - all of my time, to myself and the baby, to do whatever I want with. Cracking. How sorry I felt for some people, especially Americans, who get almost no mat leave at all and are often forced back to work just weeks after giving birth.

Yes - I hear the experienced amongst you titter - I was THAT naive.

How utterly, utterly jealous I've felt of those American ladies since. And how utterly guilty and awful thinking that makes me feel, often to the point of tears. The Kraken is a wonderful little boy; noisy, but wonderful, and I wouldn't want a world without him. And yet.

As it turns out, just being in his company day after day after day can be incredibly lonely. It also turns out that all of the things I enjoyed doing by myself just aren't compatible with having a baby, let alone a very boisterous, inquisitive and opinionated one. Reading and listening to music - nope, concentration is shot, so they're out. Gym time - nope, haven't got the spare cash for membership anyway, but haven't found one yet with a semi-decent creche and someone I'd trust giving the Kraken to, and writing - what you see on this blog is all I've managed in six months.

So what about other mums? Don't get me wrong - I've met some great ladies, and made good friends, but even with regular meet ups throughout the week, at 2am when it's just you and a wailing baby, tiredness, stress and loneliness all join hands and dance around you in circles.

Even when it comes to my husband, despite being a brilliant dad and sharing as much of the work as is possible, ultimately he has a very busy job and long commute, so the heaviest part of the burden falls on me alone. In the end, I'm responsible for making sure the Kraken has enough and the right food, wears (mostly) clean clothes, is entertained and encouraged, naps well in the day and sleeps as much as possible at night in a relatively clean and tidy house. Sounds simple, but that takes up 95% of my day, and I'm alone for almost all of it. Shared parental leave would be a fantastic thing to take up, but in my industry, whilst jobs are enjoyable, wages are low and there's just no way we could live on my salary and statutory mat pay.

But look, this isn't a pity party. It's just a surprising realisation, and not one I'd ever imagined. However, there's one other thing I've also realised since this all began and it's currently getting me through every day. The phrase that every parent hangs onto and hates in equal measure.

It's just a phase.

And it is. Soon I will be back at work and probably wondering what the hell I was moaning about when I'm up to my ears in paperwork and meetings again, and even if I find myself on mat leave again in the future, that too will just be another phase, with another baby to juggle and even less time. (Is that possible?!)

So I'm going to be philosophical about it all. There's probably a Confucius quote in this somewhere, but bugger that. I'm too knackered. Now pass the wine.