But more to the point, as I've got (a lot) older, I've found calling out the truth correspondingly easier. And when it comes to parenting, the truth becomes very murky. Everyone knows that once you have a baby you enter the chummy world of parents - but what the uninitiated don't realise is that you were never really told the truth before, just a very vague version of it, dressed up in baby showers and Instagram filters.
So I want to be honest. REALLY honest. If you're pregnant or sans kids then welcome, but be warned - I will tell no lies here, and although this is obviously just my opinion and experience of things, not one thing written below hasn't also been expressed by numerous other parents I know. If you already have kids, please accept this with a comforting hand on the shoulder and a knowing nod.
Here goes...
1. For every one Instagram-worthy pic there are dozens of fails.
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| R2-D2: Kraken style. |
We all know that real life isn't a series of exciting events and filtered pics on social media, but sometimes when that's all you see, it's hard to remember. Inevitably you begin to feel like your life is incredibly dull and/or un-photogenic. NOT TRUE. I obviously think the Kraken is pretty cute, but I conservatively estimate that for every nice pic we've managed, there have been approximately 22 truly crap ones. Ones where the angle and his expression rendered him resembling Gollum, a missed dangling bogey, apocalyptic tears because I had the audacity to sneeze, a vomit smeared face and clothes... the list is endless.
The point is - social media, pics and videos are only ever the edited highlights. No one has the perfect child, or life.
2. Breastfeeding sucks.
Literally. I suspect this subject could sustain a blog all by itself, and it won't be the last thing I have to say about it, but here's my two pence worth for now. I really, truly, hated breastfeeding.
There, I said it.
I'm not sure what I hated more - the raw, bloody red pain, crying when I realised the Kraken was hungry AGAIN for the third time in an hour, feeling too tired and self-conscious to leave the house and feeling like a prisoner, crying in the shower because the hot water stung like knives, wearing rank, unflattering nursing bras and leaking onto them and my clothes... the list goes on but includes more of the same, mostly tears-based. By far the worst part of the whole experience was the guilt and judgement laid at my door by others. Supportive, lovely family and friends who could see the damage it was doing to me and my relationship with the Kraken gently advised some formula, just to give me a break or more than 30 minutes sleep. I resisted, imagining the 'I'm-not-professionally-allowed-to-judge-you-but-I-am-massively-judging-you' expression I'd see on the faces of midwives and health visitors at the very least. I'd love to say I was wrong, and they supported my eventual decision to move to formula for my sanity, but even on two hours sleep a night, I saw it in their eyes and heard it in their voice. One health visitor ignored my tears and simply handed me a passive aggressive leaflet on the benefits of breastfeeding and told me to keep putting him on the breast if he was crying and still hungry. She told me this after I'd admitted that he'd spent the last three hours permanently attached to me, now drawing blood, not milk. If I could go back in time, I would give myself a slap, kick that cow out of my house, make up a bottle and finally fill the Kraken right up until he was happy. Something neither of us was for the first four weeks.
The point is - feeding your baby and maintaining your sanity are equally important. If breastfeeding works for you then awesome, but if not, formula feeding will do the same job. End of story.
3. When their sleeping habits improve, yours will be shot.
We had a breakthrough this week. The Kraken slept from 7 - 7 (with a dreamfeed at 10) for the first time ever, at the grand old age of exactly four months. 'Nice,' I hear some of you cry. Others will be calling me a bitch right now - and that's fine, I get it - but console yourself with this. He slept through, but I woke up at 1, 3, 5 and 6 because my own sleep pattern is buggered to high hell. So when the alarm went off at 7, it just felt like any other morning. Hideous.
The point is - you and sleep will continue to do battle for a veeeery long time to come. That is, until you retire and suddenly start waking up at 6 out of choice.
4. The guilt is constant.
As I type, the Kraken is next to me in his little seat, his patience rapidly thinning. His all-consuming love for hand chewing and lobbing toys on the floor has lost its shine. So as he begins to work a grumble into his customary roar, I can feel the guilt right now, this very second. Maybe I should be taking him to a class or doing something to further his educational development. Or maybe neither of us can stand sitting in decaying church halls with other wild-eyed mums singing incy wincy frigging spider.
Then there's all the gear you can buy for babies. Good grief - the list and the cost is endless. I see what some babies have, and there it is again... the guilt gives me a pinch on the arm and tells me I'm a bad parent, but frankly, he seems just as happy bashing the crap out of a wooden spoon on the floor as a piece of brightly coloured plastic shit for the bargain price of £50.
The point is - give two fingers to guilt. As long as your kid is safe, warm, fed and gets some attention from you, Peppa Pig or the wooden spoon, it's all good.
5. You will pee yourself. At least once.
It's a sad fact ladies, but once a a baby bowling bowl has exited your body - or even before - it's extremely likely your pelvic floor will go into a massive sulk and down tools for a while. Do your kegel thingys by all means, but don't be shocked if you suddenly join the 'snissing' club. (Work it out. Or Google it.)
The point is - suck it up. It's a fact of life, and you're not alone. If a fellow mum says she hasn't, she's lying, without doubt. And if you really need, get your Tena on. No shame in that.
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