'Just' a mum?

The Kraken: plotting world domination

'I'm not just a mum, I'm me too, and I was me long before I became a mum. I love my kids more than anything in the world, but as I lie here next to my sleeping child, I'm crying because I feel like a shitty mum for missing my old self.'

I'm paraphrasing here, but this is something I read in the last week on Facebook. It struck a chord to the extent that I replied, commenting how I often felt the same, hoping to make the author of the post feel less isolated. But instead, this happened.

'I know someone who'd give anything to be 'just a mum'.'

A reply from someone else - and it made me feel really angry. What followed were some very carefully chosen words from both myself and several others in defence of the original author, but at the time I couldn't quite nail exactly why it upset me so much.

Some days later I think I know why, and because I'm a pedantic weirdo I'm going to list it out.

1. By saying you're not 'just a mum' does not mean you don't love your child(ren). And it doesn't mean you wish you weren't a mum, or that others who're full-time, stay at home mums are lesser human beings. It means that some people enjoy doing a variety of things, and although being a mum is very time-consuming, fantastic, challenging, joyful, surprising and exciting thing - it's not necessarily the only thing some women want to do/be. AND THAT IS OKAY.

2. Before I had the Kraken, I would've given anything to be a mum too. It wasn't a straight-forward path for me to have him, so I know the struggle and heartache that can accompany the journey to having a baby. But the fact that many women struggle to have a baby doesn't mean that once you do, you can't miss your old self and life. They are two separate things.

3. I miss my old self too. Badly, some days. So badly that I sometimes wonder if I'm developing post-natal depression, or whether I should see a doctor. But the feeling always passes and I 'm happy and fine again, and put it down to the highs and lows of finding my feet in this new world. It's just such an odd world, and a small one sometimes, especially when the highlight of your day is a walk to the nearest supermarket. And you don't really need anything, except just to leave the house.

I guess the crux of it is that I don't have to justify wanting to do more than just be a mum to the Kraken. He totally and utterly fills my heart and hands, but my head needs more. The truth is, I love my job too - I work in publishing, and the ridiculously hectic and mentally stimulating environment keeps every single neurone busy, every second of the working day. And I love the people I work with, I've never had so many genuine friendships with lovely, brilliant people that I now miss dearly.

But would I swap back to my old life? Never. I mean, I'd love to fit back into the wardrobe of my old life, but not if it meant not having the Kraken. Take a look at that little face. Enough said.

So no, I'm not 'just a mum', I'm dozens of other things too. And that's just dandy.